Los Angeles

The premise is simple: be the best celebrity impersonator, as elected through audience vote, and you can win $100,000 and the title of "The Next Best Thing". I didn't have much hope for this show, as did ABC -- they sent it on a suicide mission, programming it against the Fox rating juggernaut "So You Think You Can Dance" but that's neither here nor there. The next four episodes are all about auditions, where judges Lisa Ann Walter, Elon Gold, and Jeffrey Ross will pick those who are good (or maybe just entertaining enough) to move on to the semi-finals.

There isn't much to say about the episode, though: the same celebrities keep turning up: old Sean Connery albeit as James Bond, Johnny Depp, Marilyn Monroe, Cher, Britney, and most of it is merely mediocre, or just plain bad. Also, the judges are pretty predictable in their interaction. This is usually how it goes:

1. Perfomer does their thing.
2. Judges do their best to lavish praise or make crappy jokes or, in Elon's case, outdo the impersonator with an impression of his own.
3. Performers get sent away with a yes or a no.
4. Host Michele Merkin appears occasionally to celebrate or commiserate like the host robot I suspect she actually is.

I don't think things will pick up until we get to the semi-finals in Hollywood, so below is a list of some more notable auditions.

• Little Richard: Has the moustache, the "Woo!" down pat, and a great singing voice, which he demonstrates by singing "Tutti Frutti". The Architect of Rock n' Roll moves on.
• Britney Spears: She's a bit too long in the tooth to be doing Britney, though she is pretty. And she has a web site. Which should help her get work, as she does not make it to the semi-finals.
• Superman: "You do look like him but it isn't a look-a-like contest?" Lisa Ann appreciates a man in tights, but he can't fly, so no semi-finals for the man of steel.
• President Bush: Lisa Ann didn't think he looked so much like him, but all the judges agreed he performed well. He moves on.
• The Fonz: He's the best Denny Terrio Elon's ever seen.
• Celine Dion: Takes it a bit too seriously, but I guess I would too if this were my livelihood. She's annoying enough that even Elon can't deny she should move ahead.
• Robin Williams: Gives a great manic performance. Personally, forget the performance -- he had me when I saw how awesomely hairy his arms were.
• Jennifer Anison and Angelina Jolie: They have a catfight. Yawn.
• Sonny Bono: More like Sonny "Oh-no", as he can't sing. To be fair, Sonny Bono couldn't sing either, but it's not enough to get him to the next round.
• Simon Cowell: Elon performs while Simon judges him from Elon's chair. It's kind of amazing, the voice and the attitude and the too-tight black t-shirt, so our Simon makes it.
• Dr. Phil: He's actually the official impersonator for the Dr. Phil show, but alas, that's not enough for the judges.
• Cher: Looked like Paul Stanley of KISS.
• Some lady who may have been Celia Cruz: She looked like a troll doll.
• Bono: Yugoslavian-born, but you'd never know it from his perfect Bono brogue. The singing is a bit hesitant, but he's got time to work on it before the semi-finals.
• Lucille Ball: She actually has $30,000 of wigs and costumes. But that's nothing when you hear her whine just like Lucy used to. She passes.
• Ann-Margret: She would not stop singing "The Best Is Yet To Come" even as Elon pushed her off the stage.
• Craig Gass: Is not a celebrity but grew up in a deaf family so he learned to talk by listening to celebrities. He's freakly amazing, so he moves on. And yes, for those of you with eagle eyes: he was the guy from Weight Watchers that Miranda dumps for being kinda sloppy when he "goes downtown" on Sex and the City .
• Jack Nicholson: I wasn't all that impressed with the costuming, or the voice for that matter, but he gets a pass, along with a request to come back as Jack Nicolson at the Oscars for the semis.
• Dolly Parton: Two of them in fact who are, together, merely "the next breast thing".
• Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton from "The Honeymooners": They've been doing the act for 13 years, so of course they're amazing. Doing classic schtick and then updating it with jokes about Peter O'Toole at the 2007 Oscars, they have the judges rolling. They're in.
• Donald Trump: Elon asks him "Is that a bobcat on his head?" before telling him no.
• Tim McGraw: Has been working as Tim for the last four years, at weddings, bar mitzvahs, even a bris! If he's good enough for the Chosen People, he's good enough for the judges, who give him their last pass of the night.

Next week: New York City!