Pirate Master - Episode 102 - Pirates, Guns and Money

Oh, bless this show. The first five minutes is nothing but Cameron giving us a recap on how the show works and what happened last week. Since I already recapped that, I get to give me fingers a break. The bonus? I get to listen to Cameron's dreamy accent. After he finishes stealing my job, the crew hangs out in their bunks and dissects John's elimination. In the Captain's Cabin, JD selects Sean as cook, since his bartending skills make him suited for that role. Okey dokey. JD also decides that he needs a buffer between himself and the crew so he picks Jay as his bosun. Both men agree to their new positions, with Sean saying it's a win-win situation for him, since JD will trust him and everyone loves the cook. Cheryl interviews that she doesn't trust Jay because, in case you forgot, she's a deputy district attorney and she can spot a liar from a mile off. She's right in this case, at least, as Jay interviews that he's going to be playing both sides and is only there for the money. Credits. They're unremarkable, except for the jaunty Celtic-sounding theme music and the fact that Sean's hotness almost made my TV screen catch on fire.

Morning. Hot Dreads Guy yawns hotly. JD tells Jay to rouse the crew and set sail for their next destination. Cue montage of the crew scrambling up into the rigging, raising the sail, etc. Kendra (office worker) says she'd like to live on the ship forever and Azmyth (music producer, also formerly known as Hot Dreads guy) says he's a "jolly sailor" and he's going to do his best to get along with the crew, but ultimately he's looking out for his hot self. It's time for breakfast and Sean serves up some nasty-looking gruel to the crew and they grumble about the poor offering. Alexis says "But I don't liiiiiiiike it!" like a five year old, then interviews that she's a whiner. No shit. Meanwhile, JD, Ben and Alexis get a much tastier meal and JD gloats about it like the fucktard he is. He literally laughs about it. The crew finishes their meager breakfast and get to their shipboard duties while JD continues to shove food in his mouth, washing it down with rum. I bet he has a small penis.

It's time for expedition number two. Cameron calls everyone to the deck and stands next to the Chest of Zanzibar. He hands Kendra the key that was found with the first expeditions treasure and she unlocks another compartment, revealing two maps. The black crew will consist of JD, Ben and Cheryl, and the rest of the crew will be divided randomly into two crews. If the red crew wins, a new captain will be chosen. The other members of the black crew are Azmyth, Louie, and three people who haven't gotten to talk on camera yet. The red crew includes Jay, Sean, Christian, Joy, Alexis, Kendra, and one other chick. Cameron explains the expedition, which is to find the treasure hidden by Henry Steele's "mastah gunnah" (hee): the crews will swim from the ship to the shore, hike up the coastline, and find a path into the jungle. A short way up the path, the leading crew will get to sabotage the other crew by dropping a mass of thorny vines across the path. Then the crews must follow the path up a mountain until they get to the Snakepit, which contains the tools they need to find the treasure. Cameron fires his pistol (dirty!) and everyone jumps in the water, then starts swimming. Azmyth is a strong swimmer and he pulls ahead easily. And hotly. The red crew falls behind because Kendra is a slow swimmer and Alexis has to tow her along. Naturally, she whines about it. The black crew, led hotly by Azmyth, all make the shore, find the path, and trigger the sabotage before the red crew even finishes getting out of the water. Azmyth yells "Sabotage!" when he pulls the rope, which I find incredibly cute. I may be a little besotted. The black crew runs up the mountain, Loupert careening into a tree at one point, while the red crew hits the sabotage and work to get past it. The black crew finds the Snakepit, which looks like exposed cellar ruins. Everyone stands around and gawks at the snakes, re-reading the clue to determine that, yes, they do have to jump into the pit to retrieve what they need. We go to commercials on Azmyth's question: "Who's going in?"

Back from the break, the red crew is slowing down because of Christian's size. Back at the Snakepit, Nessa (makeup artist) jumps in the pit, followed quickly by Azmyth and Loupert. Azmyth finds the box they need, while back on the path Joy falls and busts her knee. Hee, the red crew are rather afflicted. Between Christian and Joy, Jay is spitting mad that he's on the losing crew again. Sean, because he's dreamy, throws Joy over his shoulder and carries her up the path. The black crew opens the box and pulls out a compass plate, which they must use along with a spoon-like object, to locate where the treasure is buried. Loupert interviews that Azmyth has been an expedition rock star, while JD wanders about like the useless tool he is. On the black crew is a still-unidentifed blonde chick whose boobs are pixelated through this whole challenge, presumably because she was flashing nip. Classy! I never understand why women go on shows like this without proper support for the twins. It's not like Big Brother, where all they're going to be doing is lazing around the pool. The crew figures out the general location of the treasure and they start digging around for it, as the red crew approaches the Snakepit. Sean, Jay, Alexis and Kendra jump in immediately, but Alexis is out in about five seconds. Christian is also in the pit, sort of warding off snakes with a stick, but he's really not of much use. Jay agrees with me, which makes me feel dirty. The red crew doesn't even find the compass plate before Azmyth, because he's awesome, hotly discovers the treasure. The red crew looks pissed as the black crew celebrates, Azmyth hotly firing his pistol (dirty!) to signify that the challenge has been won.

Back on the ship, the red crew moans while the black crew counts their treasure. It's $45,000 this time and, as before, JD gets half and Jupiter (event coordinator) says she knew not to get excited about the sight of all that gold since JD gets half of it, while the officers get half of what's left. Cameron tells JD he can name two new officers but he wisely chooses to stick to the known suck-ups rather than deal with the unknown. The rest of the loot is divided evenly among the crew and Azmyth, who hotly led the crew to its victory, smartly accepts his small share without comment, because he's not an idiot like John. Cameron reminds JD that he must mark three for elimination, then dismisses everyone. Belowdecks, some of the crew bitches about so much of the money going to JD, and Jay "jokingly" suggests that Sean make JD something to eat that will have him crapping all night. Jay's kind of a dickhead, but he can be really funny at times. JD, finally getting the clue that his arrogance is not winning anyone over, decides to be magnaminous and gives each person the red crew $200. That goes over about as well as you would expect when someone who got handed $42,500 for doing very little gives away a mere $1400. Later, JD summons Jay to the Captain's Cabin and offers him $2000 to be his spy on the crew. Jay readily agrees and gleefully interviews that he's now got $2000 that nobody else knows about, and he hasn't won anything.

The next morning, JD, Ben and Cheryl discuss which crew members will be getting black marks. We don't get to see their decision this time but they decide to pick ones who don't perform well in expeditions so we all know where it's going. Later, Ben and Cheryl assemble the crew and hand out the letters. Ben has an abrasion on his lip that makes him look like he's taking the whole pirate thing too seriously by catching a nice case of syphillis. The crew members open their summonses and the marked one are Christian, Kendra, and Joy, the three who struggled on the expedition. Kendra is surprised, Christian isn't worried, and Joy is feeling a bit persecuted since she's been marked twice now. Jay talks to Kendra and says he's going to save her by working to get Christian booted. Loupert thinks a mutiny would work this time and he tries to convince Christian to call for one, which is easy for him to do since he's not the one in danger of being eliminated if the mutiny backfires. Ass. We also see him talking about mutiny to Jupiter and Azmyth, but nobody else, and he doesn't appear to secure votes from even those two. Of course, Christian is dumb to fall for Loupert's urging so he's kind of asking to get booted.

Pirate Court. Cameron explains the proceedings again, then turns the deck over to the marked three for their "omg plz save me" speeches. Kendra points out that while she may have been slow in the water, but once she hit land she did not hold back the crew. Joy pretty much repeats what she said last week, wrapping up with a rousing "I'm Joy, and it ain't time for me to go yet." If the pirate thing doesn't work out, she'd have a great career as an inspirational speaker. Christian has listened to Loupert's whispers of mutiny and he calls out JD, who says he declines to respond to Christian's specific complaints that the monetary distribution is unfair and the crew is poorly treated. He tells Christian that he's digging his own hole, and tells the crew that they know how he rolls. "I say what I do and I do what I say. I think you guys are happy and I'm good with that." There's massive eyerolling and disagreeing from Loupert and Alexis. JD throws Jay under a bus by saying he has less money than they think he has, since he's given some of it to Jay. Jay looks like he's going to vomit. Hee. Cameron says it's time to vote and everyone punches their cards onto the upright dagger. Cameron counts the votes, then tells JD that there were no votes for mutiny. So after all that shit-stirring, Loupert was too much of a pussy to even vote for mutiny? Pathetic. Cameron sends Joy back to the safety of the crew, leaving Christian and Kendra. He tells them that the vote was 5 to 4 and it's Christian who gets the boot. I honestly think he would've been safe if he hadn't listened to Loupert, because he seemed to be well-liked and regarded, more than Kendra. Anyway, he climbs on the raft, JD cuts the rope, and Christian drifts away. He voiceovers that the thing he'll miss most about the experience are his fellow crew members, except for that treacherous weasel Loupert. I might have added that last part.