America's Got Talent - 2nd Season Premiere

Yep, I'm a glutton for punishment. Why else would I subject myself to yet another season of last summer's smash, America's Got Talent? Yes, the show that brought you the Rappin' Granny, Bobby Badfingers and Dave the Horn Guy is back! At least Regis Philbin had the sense not to return, the new host is Jer-ry! Springer. He explains this year's rules. They are having preliminary rounds in Dallas, Los Angeles, Chicago and New York (mercifully, they aren't doing "audition shows", a la American Idol.) The best of this bunch heads to Las Vegas fort he callbacks and these result in the 20 performers that hit the stage in the finals to be judged by you. Oh, and the celebrity judges. Yep, Piers "Simon" Morgan is back, as well as David "Don't Hassle the" Hoff (if they drag out that video of him singing at the Berlin Wall again, I'm going to scream.) Replacing last year's "Paula", Brandy, is SHARON! Osbourne (who actually knows a thing or 2 about talent. Good choice, NBC.) Now, onto the "talent"! (WARNING: this was a 2-hour premiere, so this might be a long recap!)

First up is Barry White sound-alike Tony La Brea. A 46-year-old vocalist who tries his singing chops on his rendition of the Pussycat Skanks' "Don'cha". Uh-oh. Did I mention he's wearing a fedora and a bathrobe? As expected, he peels off the robe to show off his flabby physique and paired with a (surprisingly) weak singing voice, he's buzzed by all 3 judges.

Next are the Duttons from Branson, Mo. They're a family country act. (Side note: the lead Dutton is quite cute!) So, 9 bajillion people hi the stage and launch into some fiery fiddlin'. They were good, if you like that sort of thing (unfortunately, I don't.) Neither did Piers, who "X"ed them. The audience and Hoff loved them. Piers, already going back to his season 1 ways, tries to break them up - saying there's way too many people in the act. Sharon and Hoff send the family to Vegas for callbacks.

Of course, what would a talent showcase be without an Elvis impersonator? Here comes Adam Aaron Michaels - a "fat Elvis"-era showman. We see Mrs. Fat Elvis fixing his cape before he heads out on stage. He doesn't even get to open his mouth before all 3 judges "X" him. Jerry comes to  his defense and he's allowed to sing. He gets through "Please release me, let me go" before getting buzzed again. Elvis has left the building.

Cute, 18-year-old pageant contestant Meghan Miller is next. She claims she has a unique talant - she uses her hands and her mouth at the same time. Intrigued? Don't be - she's a ventriliquist. She and her (rather disturbing-looking) puppets sing a rousing rendition of "Supercalifragilistic". Not bad, but Piers and Sharon think her act would be better suited for kids' birthday parties. She does make it to the next round, but she was asked to "adult up" her act.

Of course, we had to have a little gal who thought she was the next Bianca Ryan (last year's winner). Erica marks thinks she can out-Bianca Bianca and even sings "And I'm Telling You." She's ok, but she's no Bianca. Piers agrees and gives her the "X" (I am liking Piers already.) The judges actually send her packing - despite the fact that she was a decent singer. However, tensions begin to rise, as Sharon is mad at Piers for the way he beat up li'l Erica. Pathos!

Next up is "Mr. Bill" (Oh, no!) a professional school bus driver and vocalist. Jerry gives him a little pep talk, and he hits the stage. He sings an a capella rendition of "Climb Ev'ry Mountain". The audience wasn't having this at all. Piers told him he had guts to stand up to the audience's boos, and he was an ok singer, but his personality wasn't enough for him to move on. Mr. Bill's rejection leads to the "Shattered Dreams" montage - failed dancers, singers, a drum corp and a lot of tears. An annoying little singer/tapper received a big "So what" from Piers. Sharon got upset again.

Are you ready for the Human Slinky (Florida in the house!)? He looked like something out of Mummenschanz (remember them?) Piers and Hoff "X"ed this nice Romanian man (Hoff likened his performance to "a giant colon gone berzerk") and he is heading back to O-town.

Last season, the judges were underwhelmed by the husband and wife team of Ari and Nicholas Marks. The pair decided to perform separately this year. Ari, a "gypsy violinist" came out first. Although energetic, her violin skills left a lot to be desired, and she got "X"ed (Piers said it "sounds like a lobster being boiled alive.") Nicholas is a flamenco-style guitarist. Someone's been watching his Esteban videos! Hubby actually is heading to the callbacks. We then cut to Piers offstage who isn't happy. He says the judges need to be more brutal - he wants "no more mediocrity" (hear, hear!)

Of course, the next contestant is not going to make Piers happy. Young Kyle Gaines takes the stage, with puppets. He and another puppeteer don't make the grade (I think ventriliquists could be this year's jugglers!) We see a few more clips of mediocrity personified (some clapping guy and 2 bad singers). Sharon's getting increasingly upset.

Here comes Breeze - a 9-year-old, crimpy-haired, Jon Benet-made-up aspiring cheerleader. She's going to do a competitive cheerleading routine. Well, she kind of went through the motions of one. The judges passed, but with an explanation. Piers thought Breeze's mom was pushing her (and this was the first stage mom he saw?) Sharon gets mad. Jerry brings Mom out on stage (because he loves confrontation and white trash!) She (and Breeze) claim there was no pushing involved. Sharon's had enough and walks off - Piers follows, leaving a puzzled Hoff to declare the show should now be called 'America's Got Hasslehoff" (oh God, no!) Piers can't believe Shron took off. The p[roducers track down the wayward judges and tell them they have to vote on Breeze, so they return to the stage. Piers apologizes and sends Breeze away. Whew - what drama!

The energetic trio Southern Girl takes the stage. I know it's hard to sing a capella, but these girls are ok (kind of like En Vague). But, they're cute and the audience (and Hoff) loves them, so they're moving on. Not moving on are a guy in a "big hamster wheel", the Yo-Yo People, a really bad singer, some sort of snake charmer and a guy who looks like John Popper, pre-gastric bypass, playing an accordion in a bad red pleather suit (and matching cowboy hat.) I wish I was making that one up.

Here comes Tom Zemke - oh, pardon me, "Bronson Gold", a singer/dancer with really weird facial hair (and a scary suit.) He promises "something we've never seen before" and delivers - the weirdest dance to "Disco Inferno" ever. "X"!

Fallon Franklin, a cute singer/guitarist, who overcame palsy, fares better. She's like "Jewel Lite" (might not help that she sang "Who Will Save Your Soul?") but the judges liked her - go figure! The ladies in the audienced loved hunky, ripped and shirtless Brandon Pereyda, an aerialist, but his act just wasn't polished enough to impress the judges. Tragic. He's got potenial - maybe we'll see him on season 3.

Musician/vocalist Sam Adu came to the stage for his rendition of Stevie Wonder's classic "I Wish." I wish he would have just stuck to the keyboard playing. Another case of lovely speaking voice that just doesn't translate to song (see Tony from earlier.) 

The breakthrough performers of the night were the Jaberwockeez Crew, a hip hop dance group with a great gimmick (white face masks) and great moves to match. Definitely the judge and audience favorite of the night. Another crew took the stage after the dancing boys - Bob and Rose Moore and their performing pound pooches. The "Awww Factor" was there, but it wasn't enough to send them to Vegas. They did have one standout pooch - a talented shaggy dog who could jump hurdles and balance himself on a rope - on 2 legs. I'm surprised NBC hasn't offered him a sitcom.

What do you get when you cross Hanson and doo-wop? The Rascals, that's who! This cute teen trio of clean cut boys did an a capella rendition of "Shout" that got everyone's feet a' tappin'. Honestly, their harmonies were good, but Sharon said she heard impending post-adolescence in thier voices (think Bobby Brady). The boys will retunr, and if they take the judges' advice, they'll be singing songs from this decade. Also moving on is the father and son acrobactic team of Jordan and Nasko. They performed an impressive balancing act - that kid is limber!

And now, a palate cleanser. I bring you "The Pec Brothers". Two shirtless, hairy middle-aged men. "Dueling Banjos." I can't go on. The PBs lead us into another montage of equally talented folks - this time bad comedians and impressionists. Is it over yet?

The last performer of the night is Mr. Big "Who's the Guy" Beal, an overly enthusiastic sax player. I thouight he was going to be the William Hung of the episode, but he surprised with a tip-top version of "Pick Up the Pieces," accompanied by some wild gyrating. Piers liked him, Sharon was intrigued, Hoff was entertained. Off to Vegas, Mr. Big!

Whew! That's it for now. I like the zippier pace and more brutal judging of season 2 already, but the Sharon/Piers drama needs to end (although I'm sure it won't). It's not called "America's Got Judges", you know! See you next week!