Fed-Ex underwhelms at the House of Blues

Somewhere in that flash of light is Kevin Federline, some back-up dancers, and little else.

After spending $2 to check my camera, an hour and a half sitting through not one but two opening acts (the latter, a dime store Ashanti-wannabe) Kevin Federline played a not-even-sold-out show at the Chicago House of Blues earlier this evening. It was a brief set, not even breaking the 40 minute mark as he celebrated his new status as a single man. According to my watch, he took the stage at 9:10 pm and left it for good at 9:47 pm, which left me with the impression that this was an all-ages show (curfew in Chicago is 10:30 during the week for the 16 and younger).

Which would explain why this felt less like a concert than a lame frat party, Federline engaged the crowd in some weak call-and-response while performing selections from his latest (and possibly last) album, Playing With Fire. Now that he's finally put out the album that many have been anticipating (if only to pan it), he can proudly take his place in history with otherwise forgotten celebrity exes such as Carlos Leon, Jorge Santos, Cris Judd, and Ryan Philippe.

Wearing baggy jeans and a black leather jacket (which he later shed to reveal a white button-down shirt), Federline executed some jerky dance moves with his enthusiastic (if not exactly talented) back-up dancers Amanda and Sophie. There was even something of a skit where he pretended to be kicking back at a table with a bottle of Jack Daniel's. Trust K-Fed to make the evening into little more than an amateur talent night where even he, as the only contestant, has no chance of winning.

Federline shouted something which sounded like "Thanks for all the ticket buyers, haters!" as the set came (thankfully) to an end. I spent the balance of the evening at the Portillo's on Ontario, reading my hastily scribbled notes from the show ("Why did that woman bring a baby in? Is that delicious cigarette smoke I detect in the air?"), a few blocks away from the other attendees clamoring for time in front of the cameras from local and national media outlets.

Federline's songs, when they're not about how much he loves weed, or loves the ladies, or how the ladies love him, assume this defensive stance. He's taken the mantle of "America's Most Hated" which, given who's currently in the White House, is merely wishful thinking on his part.

Federline has devoted a lot of the time not already allocated to shopping, partying in Vegas, and trying not to freestyle defending himself and his own credibility, which is laughable considering what we've seen from him thus far. Well, that and the fact that he took up with pop star Britney Spears while his very recently ex-girlfriend Shar Jackson was pregnant with their second child. That was just tacky.

He brings to mind President Bush, or specifically Texas activist Jim Hightower's assessment of Bush as someone who was "born on third, but thinks he hit a triple." K-Fed, all you had to do was not fuck up your meal ticket and maintain your status as Britney's stud-horse, but somehow you managed to do it anyway. Short of impeachment, all I can do is applaud Britney on finally realizing that her days playing the Brandine to your Cletus are finally over.