Rewind, Recap, Regurgitate: "Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Fresh Meat" 01 and 02

I've watched the first two episodes of Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Fresh Meat and I'm beginning to think that my promise to recap the show was made in vain for the following reasons:

1. These people, "alumni" (12 cast members from previous editions of The Real World or Road Rules) and "fresh meat" ("a pack of eager hopefuls", MTV calls them -- since when is the word "hopeful" a noun?), are occasionally entertaining, consistently mean, and frequently stupid.

2. The houses in which these folks are put up are not as cool as they used to be. I mean, didn't half the fun of watching The Real World come from ogling the mansions, converted warehouses, and lofts in which these folks would live so undeservedly? This cast's house comes with the requisite pool and Ikea-happy decor -- yawn.

3. The hot guys are not hot like they used to be. Okay, so Darrell (formerly of Road Rules Campus Crawl) is still smokin' but Derrick of Road Rules X-TREME? He is but a pale shadow of Kevin Federline, and that is not a good thing.

4. Relationship drama among the two couples from The Real World: Austin. When alumni Danny and fresh meat Casey are eliminated after the first Exile challenge, Danny's girlfriend Melinda is, quite literally, beside herself with grief. Is Danny leaving for Iraq? Was Danny reported missing whilst climbing Everest? Girl, please, help yourself to a big cup of "shut the fuck up".

5. The scheming and the politics of figuring out how to eliminate competitors, manipulate opponents, and influence decisions are best left to people who know when to use the word "lay" and when to use the word "lie".

6. The prizes are not what they used to be: alumni Coral and her partner fresh meat Evan win the first two challenges handily, and what do they get for their troubles? A Samsung Slider phone with a year of wireless service from T-Mobile. The final challenge yields $250,000 for the winning couple. $250,000 is chump change, considering you could make $1,000,000 on Deal or No Deal, and all you have to do is sit on the set of a game show with Howie Mandel.

7. Back to the stupidity: many of the cast members talk to the camera about the stupidity of the other folks. It's kinda rad but after a few testimonials I was all "Pot, meet Kettle. I suspect you two will have plenty to talk about."

8. The first challenge -- each couple must walk to the end of a 25 foot beam, do a 360-degree turn, then walk back. The beam is on the 77th story of the Q1 Tower. Very Fear Factor -- where's the cruel RR/RW Challenge spin, like shaving off the eyebrows of the losers? Alas. The loser are sent to Exile.

9. The second challenge -- couples stand on tree stumps, swing medicine ball at others, trying not to get knocked off by same medicine bawl. Yawn.

10. Exile vote -- Tonya does not let Wes manipulate her into voting to send Shane & Linette to Exile. Wes and Casey are voted in -- Melinda looks weepy.

11. The third challenge -- For the two couples in Exile, a race while carrying bags that weigh as much as their luggage. For Ev and Danny, that was 113 lbs, and 150 lbs. for Wes and Casey. The other cast members can't watch, so I am denied the pleasure of watching Coral and Tina slag off the contestants.

12. Aftermath -- Wes and Casey win, returning to the house. Danny and Ev bemoan their dumb luck (instead of just their dumbness) and slink off into the Australian dark, unwieldy luggage in tow.