Numb3rs: Convergence (Episode 207)

Opening Grid: 7 home invasions, 2 murders, 3.6 million stolen, 2 antique lamps. While I may be brand new here at recapping, I promise I will always record the grid numbers until they include "the meaning of life: 42."

Cal Sci: Charlie, Don and Larry are discussing the best Frisbee to use for, well, for something. At no point do they actually say why they're throwing Frisbees. There's some discussion about either the stability of certain Frisbees, such as "The Eagle" and "The Shark," or the name they intend to put on the back of their matching shirts in their Frisbee-throwing death match against Astrophysics Department. Charlie demonstrates that he learned the art of Frisbee-throwing from Mr. Miyagi, but Charlie-san is highly disappointing as he misses the target. Don-san, on the other hand hits the target and after some male-bonding celebratory traditions (high-fives) usually associated with armchair quarterbacks watching the Super Bowl, Larry starts philosophizing about the similarities between Larry and Don. I begin wondering what Larry has been using to discover the mysteries of the universe. Despite this, Larry makes a rational point.

"We're both focused on large, possibly unattainable goals. We're trying to explain all the workings of the universe." Don replies with what is rapidly becoming a tradition in every episode which, unlike the mysterious 1013 in The X-Files or the cute "My ________" title in each episode of Scrubs, is the Numb3rs Painfully Awkward Line. (Recapper Note 2007: This is the first official appearance of the NPAL!) Usually, this line is said by Don and I figure they make him say it because the audience will forgive him anything as long as he smiles afterwards. In this episode, the painfully awkward line is "What am I doing? Trying to take all the unworkable workings and put them in jail?"

During this exchange, Charlie isn't paying attention. So Larry and Don are solving the problems of the universe and Charlie's picking up Frisbees. What is that I smell? Is that the dead trout of symbolism? Do I take it this might mean something more significant in the episode? I'm not entirely sure as I was just hit in the head with an anvil. Instead I go back to wondering where the dog was to catch the Frisbee. Shouldn't there be one? Seriously, the Eppes boys fawning all over a puppy -- tell me that isn't an image that warms your, uh, heart?

Don receives the call we all dread. You know the one. Where your boss calls telling you your lunch hour was over several hours ago and you're expected back at work. (Or is that just me?)

Random House Much Bigger Than Mine (RHMBTM): The exposition fairy has sprinkled Megan with magical exposition dust and we are now in one truly unfunny scene. Turns out there have been 7 robberies in six months and the patriarch of this house was killed defending his family. Apparently, the robbers only steal jewelry, paintings and high end furniture. Just out of curiosity, how does one steal high end furniture? Isn't a moving truck when the family isn't moving a little obvious?

Don finds a pet monster (not to be confused with My Pet Monster ) and his power of emoting causes the sudden appearance of an excruciating cute child. Turns out it was her pet monster. Once the monster is returned to its rightful owner, David, who had his own run-in with the exposition fairy, tells us that the victim Dr. Richard Bloom (although I had to use my closed captioning to find out exactly what he said. David please, I love you, but annunciate) was rewarded for trying to save his family by being duct-taped and thrown in the pool. The robbers, just to prove they were evil, in case we weren't certain that duct-taping the doctor and throwing him in the pool wasn't a good enough signifier, laughed while they did this. Turns out the son, Jordan was also beaten but the cute child from earlier, whose name it turns out is Jill, did not come tumbling after. She wasn't home.

As a Canadian, I would like to take a moment to deliver a plea about our greatest national resource, duct tape. I would like to defend its poor perception elsewhere. Here in Canada, we use duct tape not only for ducts but also other useful items, such as wallets and prom dresses and tuxedos and holding together old cars built pre-1980. We even gave it its own verb. We have a national icon named Red Green, whose entire career had been dedicated to duct tape. My plea is this: major networks, please stop making the world afraid of duct tape. It's not the tape that hurts people. People hurt people.

Credits: And you may ask yourself, is it bad to still miss Talking Heads?

IHOF: Megan, who is still suffering the after-effects of exposition dust, tells us all about the robbers' MO. Don also helps; I guess having suffered from passive ED transfer. (That's exposition dust I meant there people!) All the victims are rich and the robbers always break in while the victims are coming home and alarms are off. For some strange reason, Charlie is also there, I guess having won the Frisbee death-match, and he stares sadly at the pictures of the two dead victims. He starts in on a Math Theory that can help, Data Mining. For me, when Charlie starts explaining the theory, all his words just melt into one another, much like the adults in Charlie Brown. So while he, I'll just sit here and admire his hair. I think he mentions jigsaw puzzles.

I snap back to reality when he says, he wants more. Now that's a math theory I can get behind. Hell, forget more, I want it all! Turns out he just wants data on crime stats to hopefully find more information and connections between the robberies.

Cal Sci: Charlie is asking for some help with his data mining from his own version of the Scooby Gang, when Amita asks him if Charlie's seen the guest lecturer schedule. Charlie gets annoyed at the idea of having to host a function. I think it would be a great idea; let's get Charlie all dressed up in a suit trying to be sociable. Comic relief please!

Turns out somebody's giving a lecture on mwaaa, mwaaa, mwaaa, and Charlie is stopped dead in his tracks asking what that "son of a bitch is doing here?" Larry is pulled out of whatever deep thought he was thinking to query who exactly that is.

Hey looks, it's Colin Hanks! Remember Colin Hanks everyone? Tom Hanks' son? He was on Roswell before he was killed by the Australian chick on Lost? He also starred in Orange County? No, not The OC. Well, hurry up and remember otherwise his dad is going to make you watch Joe vs. the Volcano.

Turns out Colin Hanks is playing Marshall Penfield, a guy who has spent his entire professional career dogging Charlie. Also, at the only keg party Charlie ever threw, Marshall stole the keg. Do I really need to elaborate on that or is the concept of two math geeks fighting over a keg a humourous enough image to stand on its own? Instead of recording the conversation directly, I present you with theoriginalspy's subtext translator.

Marshall: Eppesy! I'm here to try and ruin your career.

Charlie: I'm so shocked.

Marshall: (In Amita's direction) Hot woman! (To Charlie) Well, in another dead trout of symbolism moment, I've actually continued working in the field you thought you perfected. So take that sucker! Your famous theory, the Eppes Convergence, is wrong.

Amita and Larry: Oh no he didn't!

Charlie: WTF? Why are people referencing my lack of follow through? What do you mean?

Marshall: You'll have to wait for me to publicly humiliate you.

Charlie: I can kill you with my brain.

Marshall: No you can't. Once I prove you are wrong, the very fabric of the universe will rip to shreds and all life on earth will be destroyed. That's what will happen when I prove Charlie Eppes wrong.

IHOF: In a return to the completely unfunny plot, Megan is interviewing Mrs. Doctor and we find out what the two lamps in the beginning grid are about. Turns out the lamps are worth about 100 grand. Who spends that much on lamps? Mine were 20 bucks at Ikea and they light up the room just as well!

Cal Sci: Charlie is in full "It's always Marshall, Marshall, Marshall," mode ranting about how Marshall wore an insulting button saying "don't believe the hype" to his first lecture. I'm sorry Charlie; I'm not really seeing the big deal here. Is this really how the math world fights? Making disparaging remarks with extremely unoriginal accessories? Larry, who is in his rational mode, explains that stars in the field, like Charlie, are always going to be targeted by people who are clearly experiencing convergence-envy. Charlie is concerned that he's nothing without his Eppes Convergence. "If it is wrong, what am I?"

Here's my answer: Charlie, you're the inspiration for hundreds of lustful messages, fanfics and livejournal entries. Your hair alone has stimulated desire in thousands who never saw you in Addams Family Values. You know everything there is to know in every field of mathematics ever written. You are remarkably adorable when looking uncertain, but not trying to look uncertain. Despite my answer, Larry says it best, "You're a talented theoretician with an ego problem." Snark! I love Larry.

arlie receives a call saying that the data mining has finished for Don's case and leaves.

"Wisdom and genius. Rarely present in equal abundance." Larry muses. Now put that on a button and wear it!

Antique Shop: Megan and David are interviewing the shop owner with aFaux British / Madonnaesque accent (that's the shop owner, not Megan and David). When he denies knowing where he managed to acquire one of the two previously aforementioned lamps that are worth more than my home, Megan arrests him. David's purpose is what? Megan totally has everything under control. We just learning an important lesson; don't mess with Megan. The useful piece of information we learn is that Faux-Madonna gets his stuff from a fence named Roley.

IHOF: Charlie is channeling Jim Carrey from The Truman Show, while putting a calendar up on the wall. Colby is all WTF and says to Don what is clearly the second best line in this episode: "Your brother's starting to freak me out a little bit." Even Don's reply, "What, just a little?" can't hold a candle to the pure truth behind Colby's statement.

Charlie starts musing about calendars and how good they are. I agree with that. Calendars tell me when my rent is due, when my phone bill must be paid and my car payments come out of my account and... screw it, calendar's suck. Anyway, the entire point is that the data mining has come up with a nugget of truth. While digging through the information, the computer hit the jackpot, identifying dates where the robbers struck gold and when they should have struck gold. Turns out the criminals might commit, I know this might come as a shock, other crimes. Also, even though Charlie says he can't predict when the robbers will hit again, he does. The Feds have 3 days.

Fortunately, the exposition fairy (Megan) discovers that there were carjackings o�n the dates Charlie said the criminals committed other types of crimes. At one of the carjackings the perp fired a gun straight up in the air. Now they have to go out and find the bullet. I'm wondering why the cops haven't already found the bullet. Are the only good CSIs in Vegas, Miami and New York?

Cal Sci: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern (David and Colby) arrive to watch Charlie stare at his ant farm. Either that or they want information about where the bullet might have gone after it was fired. Charlie is working out the area of probability, when Marshall walks in and solves it. He even derides Charlie for using assumptions in the answer. It seems that taking Charlie down in front of his colleagues isn't enough, now Marshall has to make him look less than competent in front of the Feds too. Sufficiently chastised, Charlie introduces him to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern and Marshall checks to make sure Charlie will be present for his intellectual flogging. When Marshall makes a comment about Charlie being testy about being challenged, he reveals that he made the same comment to Amita. Just to make sure we understand it's a pissing contest, Marshall provides detail about when and where this conversation takes place. Not only did Marshall and Amita go out on a quasi-date but they even had conversation" something we all remember is a bit of a sore spot with the lovely professor.

Charlie tries to take the sucker punch and be the bigger man here. "Amita is a sharp mathematician. So no matter how hard you try, you're never going to convince her that this (he holds up his fingers maybe and inch and a half apart ) is six inches." You didn't think I meant being the bigger man as in taking the higher road, did you? Sorry, wrong connotation. Unfazed, Marshall replies, "I bet with you, that subject's never come up." Oh Charlie, I'm sorry, his comeback was better. Plus, be nice to Colin Hanks, otherwise you might meet his father's Wilson, and I think I've had enough of the balls references.

Despite the brilliant repartee between Marshall and Charlie, it's Colby who gets the last laugh by expressing what all of us are thinking, "Ooo, math fight."

IHOF: Hey look, it's Don! Remember Don? Seriously, I think we need some more screen time for him in this episode. Megan and Don are lamenting the robbers' uncanny ability to predict the unpredictable when it came to the carjackings. Please, predicting the unpredictable is Charlie's job.

Switch to R&G: (don't make me type that out again). They are trying to figure out where the bullet would've landed from the carjacking shooting. There's a whole bunch of discussion about variables but I'm amused by the pair of them trying to use a graphing calculator. They bear a striking resemblance to Zoolander and Hansel (he's so hot) trying to figure out the computer.

Casa Eppes: And if you'd though we'd seen very little of Don, appreciate this rare moment of Alan. I'm glad to see him because someone needs to get Jan to get over his Marshall Marshall Marshall obsession. Alan is proving that he has a life by getting his consulting business off the ground. Also, he is used a vessel to prove to Charlie that life is worth a little risk and how family was more important than his old job. He multitasks well.

Playing psychologist, Alan comforts Charlie's bruised ego and Charlie muses on how he hasn't accomplished much recently. At one point Charlie theorizes that all this "stuff" with Don is a waste. Please. It's not a waste. Read the fanfics. He laments he's too easily distracted (there are meds for that you know Charlie) because clearly, solving crime isn't important. Charlie decides that he needs to devote himself to something significant. (Me! I'm significant!)

Random Creepy Garage: Here's the gratuitous leg shot of Megan. Please, we don't need that. Don't objectify Megan; we've already had enough of that with the mathematical pissing contest over Amita in this episode. Megan's undercover as someone willing to buy Roley, the fence's, stuff. And Roley, who wants to buy Megan's stuff, is too distracted to notice it's a setup. While agents rush in to arrest Roley and partner, Megan takes one down with a good swift kick and I smirk in glee at a woman on TV who can hold her own. You know, if I didn't already like Megan, her kick-ass attitude in this episode would win me over. Although, if I were her, I wouldn't handle the lamp so roughly, one chip in it is worth one of my paychecks.

IHOF: Megan is now interrogating Roley (Who bears a striking resemblance to Christopher Walken) while Charlie and Don watch. Walkenganger assures Megan that the guys he got all the stolen goods from weren't thieves because they had a list of what they were going to purloin in advance. Plus one was a total geek and one dressed better than his lawyer. Turns out not only is Walkenganger so dumb that he judges them on appearance alone, but also the names of the pair with whom he deals, Mr. Brown and Mr. Gray, didn't give him a clue. I'm sorry Walkenganger but when two people give themselves names that are reminiscent of a Quentin Tarantino film, they are bad! At this point I do two things, the first was assume that the geek would be Marshall Penfield as some sort of horrible fate must befall the man who hurts our Charlie. The second, was that the thought that had been forming in my head finally came to fruition and I shout out "insurance," at the TV screen as if the characters can hear me. By the way, I would also like to have another Megan admiration moment, because she's intimidating during the interview.

We now have a brief transitional conversation to provide more exposition. (Poor Megan, she is still the exposition fairy's victim.) We now know that the Feds are looking for five other guys, the actual robbers and those who arrange the robberies. Charlie assures Don and Megan that cell phones have something to do with it. Megan worries that they still don't have an answer as to how the robbers know what to take and from whom. I scream the same thing as above because I know, one day, they will hear me. Don asks about the Data mining, Charlie espouses that the computer finds all sorts of connections and he has to sort out which is meaningful. He even comments that when army intelligence used it, they found a connection between Condoleeza Rice and terrorism. I wonder if anyone has told this to Jon Stewart.

Upbeat yet bland techno-music accompanies the montage of R&G looking for the bullet in the park near the scene of the carjacking. Thus proving they are swifter than Zoolander and Hansel (he's so hot), they recalculate the trajectory of the bullet and plug in the numbers to the graphing calculator like professionals. Sponsor shout out to the user-friendly Texas Instruments!

Cal Sci: Lecture Hall.

Deer very sekret Diary, Today was the worst day EVA! I hate Marshall Penfield! It's always Marshall Marshall Marshall! I sat threw his lecture and he totally told all my colleegues my math had a strook! I thought I was going to strook out as well. How could he? He went after my theery but even used the literary device of analagy that I thought the writters saved only for me. Plus, no one noticed that I was unhappy, slooched down in my seat. Charlie

Park: Back with R&G, they're arguing like an old married couple about where the bullet is. For me, I'm frustrated that people other than the Cal Sci crew are having a mwaaa mwaaa mwaaa conversation. David finds the bullet. Good, now we can get back to Charlie and his moment of professional humiliation.

Cal Sci: Lecture Hall.

Deer very sekret Diary, Amita thinks he's cooler than me. She can't see my whole tuff act is just a cover up for the pain I'm in. How many yeers did she work with me and cleerly, she knows nothing about me! Marshall's taking her out for pie. She told him about my love for lemon merang. How could she! I hate being called Eppesy! It's not just him but a crowd of peeple going out to disscuss my pain. I'm going to get a buttenn that says "Don't believe the hipe" and wear it to his next lecture. Amita just said she wants to focus on her work. I can respect that but, hey, did I just get dumped? Charlie

he Street: Charlie holds up a cell phone, recovering nicely from his personal and professional heartbreak, by going into full lecture-mode. He asks what's in a cell phone. "Well in your case a lot of answered voicemails; I can tell you that." Don snarks. I smirk. Turns out the GPS chips in the phones are being used to track people. I consider burying my cell in my neighbour's backyard. The problem is they still don't know how they are picking the victims. I scream at the TV again.

Casa Eppes: Alan is looking for his cell, only to discover that Larry and Charlie are taking it apart. Charlie assures him that they'll put it back together and that Charlie needs his cell phone. That's the egomaniac we know and love. He never answers his messages but assumes his phone is more necessary than his father's, who is starting a business. The look on Alan's face indicates this isn't the first time this has happened in the Eppes' household. Larry, it turns out, doesn't have a cell as it's too "Big Brother." I'm not that surprised; we've seen his car.

Another RHMBTM: As if we needed more evidence of the robbers' evil ways, we're at the scene of another home invasion. They killed a couple in their 70s.

IHOF: Turns out the bullet R&G found was used before. This discovery is good as Megan theorizes that the robbers will be even more dangerous. I'm figuring killing orphans and kicking puppies is really the last line they haven't crossed yet after slaughtering senior citizens.

Cal Sci: Charlie is bemoaning that the connections found by the data mining are confusing. For instance, insurance is pointed out. I feel vindicated. Charlie may be confused, but I think we make a good team, he figured out the cell phones; I figured out insurance. Larry distracts Charlie be a momentary mention of Amita, and how useful she can be on the case. Charlie brushes Amita off, and millions of women now have a small glimmer of hope that they can replace her. Amita is too busy with Marshall. Larry teases Charlie about brilliant conversations Amita and Marshall must be having and Charlie's knickers get in a serious twist. "I admit, he's a bright fellow," Charlie tells Larry, trying to be the bigger man; "He's got all sorts of insight. He's so full of himself. He's so annoyingly confident."

The look Larry gives in response is classic. He manages to say "Hello, you just described yourself so get over it," just by raising an eyebrow. While the best line in the episode award goes to Colby, Larry receives the best look of the episode statuette. I love Larry.

Charlie goes into full rant mode about how cool Marshall is, and how his brain should be included in the Smithsonian and I wonder if Charlie has ever seen a movie in his life. Does he not know that the second you start ranting snarkily about someone, they will immediately appear thus ruining your moment and -- wait! Here's Marshall now, with Amita in tow. Just like in those movies, Marshall, one ups Eppes, by saying something cool about Einstein. I figure in math circles, if you can compare yourself to Einstein, you are a god. To rub some salt and lemon juice into the wound, turns out Marshall has some insight on Charlie's problem (the MATH problem). Something called "deep current sets" will answer the question. There is another factor underneath the insurance that is causing the ripple effect. I feel even more vindicated. Hell, I feel downright intelligent for the first time during a show that is all about math.

To his credit, Charlie listens attentively, showing that math can overcome any problem in Charlie's world. Marshall looks pleased at Charlie's attention and theoriginalspy's subtext translator says that Marshall really only wanted to be noticed by the brilliant Charlie. It's okay Marshall, we love him too. In the second best moment in the scene, Marshall throws Charlie the chalk and as he was so deep in thought, he nearly drops it. Mr. Miyagi would be very disappointed in Charlie-san. How can one throw a Frisbee when one can't even catch chalk from two feet away?

IHOF: Charlie explains Marshall's theory to Megan and Don, who both look confused. Charlie mentions underwriters. I take a second to experience my only moment of glory I will probably ever have in the series. At least 50% of my earlier prediction came true. This information causes a flurry of activity as the FBI does their own data mining and they come up with two names, Herbert Quilty (there must be some sort of geek name generator, like the Star Wars name generator because that is one geeky name), a cell phone thief and Thomas Maynard, the insurance guy. Walkenganger provides the final clue as Maynard dresses better than his lawyer, and Quilty is a total geek.

Flash forward to the arrests of both Maynard and Quilty. I lodge a protest that not once during these scenes was Don in his sexy swat gear. I was all ready for the loveliness of that view and yet I am disappointed. In fact, I'm finding very little of Don in the whole episode. I miss Don.

IHOF: Colby is interviewing Maynard and Megan is going after Quilty. Before they get a chance to really make them sweat, David comes up with a name, Walter Gordon, a.k.a. Demento. What a lovely sounding character. Oh, he's even a skinhead and Quilty thought he wasn't going to hurt anyone. Wouldn't a computer geek know that with a video game ready name like Demento, he's bad? Quilty and Maynard confess.

Charlie theorizes that Quilty, to help find the victims, put a sniffer on the node. (Is it just me or did that sound dirty?) No matter how many times I watched this scene, I don't entirely understand the explanation. If anyone out there does, please e-mail me. After this, our team goes off to find Demento.

The plan: Lure the robbers by trying to get them to steal an expensive car. As they try to carjack the couple in their own driveway, out pop Megan and Colby to try and teach these guys a lesson in what happens when you're murdering assholes. Plus, our robbers find out that no matter how tough they are, Megan has the bigger gun. I compliment Colby for being okay with that.

Swiftly, out of the darkness comes a vision -- Don in full gear. While I admire the view, I realize that while this doesn't entirely make up for the lack of Don and brotherly interaction (mind out of the gutter here people! Save it for the Supernatural boys), it certainly helps. Overall, a highly successful sting operation as the robbers are put out of business and females everywhere can admire the kick-ass Megan and Don in the sexiest outfit he wears on the show.

Cal Sci: once again greeted with the grating "Eppesy," Charlie congratulates Marshall for helping catch three murderers. Taken aback by the praise, Marshall misses the mischievous twinkle in Charlie's eye. Colin Hanks looks practically happy enough to dance on a giant piano, but before the tapping of the keys can commence, Marshall, in an attempt to make amends for making Charlie's life hell, confesses the real reason he went after Charlie's theory; it was great math. Anyone who believes that, raise your hand. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

My faith in the universe is restored and nature is now back in balance as Charlie cures the stroke in the Eppes Convergence. He's even gracious enough to call it the Penfield Variation. The glee is offset by the way he clearly enjoys mathematically pounding Marshall into the intellectual dirt. I'm a little disappointed, by the fact that Marshall wasn't the geek I predicted in my case hypothesis, but I can at least feel happy he'll be going back to Princeton having lost the measuring contest with Charlie. (Come on, you were all waiting for that joke, weren't you?)

Casa Eppes: Larry and Amita (I guess your new math god didn't satisfy eh?) arrive to pick up Charlie for a seminar. Alan is working on a jigsaw puzzle and tells them Charlie is out in the garage. Usually, this would mean that Charlie's brooding, but in a nice little nod to the audience and use of dramatic irony, we know otherwise. Charlie enters with a look of concentration and glee on his face which is so cute I could just hug him.

Charlie has finally smelled the dead trout of symbolism and all those little cracks and moments about Charlie's lack of focus, add up to his discovery of his life's purpose. No more picking up Frisbees and feeling like you have ADD, Charlie; you're now trying to work out the math of the brain. Larry looks like the proud papa over this announcement. Personally, anything that would take me several decades to accomplish would result in a "meh, I give up" from me but that's why I'm not a math genius. Really, that's the reason.

Once Charlie heads back to the garage, Amita and Larry become transfixed by the jigsaw puzzle. The comparison between Amita and Alan's wife over the love of jigsaw puzzles hits me like an anvil and I mourn that maybe Charlie wasn't really dumped, but they're just on a break. On the other hand, Larry looks like he wants all the pieces to himself. I've never seen anyone look that intensely at a jigsaw puzzle. Alan invites the pair to stay and work on the puzzle and order pizza. Screw the seminar.

Out in the garage is Charlie looking all perspicacious, and sexy, working out the math of the brain. I think he calls it "Cognitive Emergence Theory" and I'm sad he spelled it all correctly.

Final thought: Where's Don? I miss him.