Triumph the Insult Comic Imperator; or, Just Another Week on <strong>Rome</strong>

Caesar has finally moved on from playing a god to thinking he is a god. This week on Rome finds him planning a triumph, a parade to celebrate his elevation to Imperator by the Senate. He tells his senators that they can build "a new Rome, a Rome that offers justice, peace, and land to all its citizens, not just the priveleged few." He is quick to point out, though, should anyone not join him, "Rome will not forgive you a second time." Somewhere in the shadows, Brutus and Cicero mutter "That's for damn sure."

Atia visits a still-shaken Servilia, rocking an Erykah Badu-like headwrap since the attack on her in the street. While their bitches servants totally give each other the hairy eyeball, Atia asks Servilia to be her date to the prom triumph. So what -- now that Servilia and Octavia are over, Atia and Servilia are gonna go at it? Sorry, I guess my overactive imagination is running wild at the total lack of fucking lurve in this week's episode. Servilia declines the invite, pleading illness, though I think we can safely say that it won't be long before she starts stewing again. A quick aside: is it any accident that Atia's woman (whose name I have not bothered to memorize, obviously) looks like the Devil as depicted in The Jesus Chainsaw Massacre^* The Passion of The Christ? I'm just saying.

While Atia tries to draw Servilia out, Octavian retrieves Octavia, who has run away to sit in a tent with what would appear to be a bunch of hippies. She cuts her arms, pays homage to an earth mother, and generally goes about her business. Octavian literally drags her back to Rome, and Octavia is pretty much powerless to resist. What good is Octavia's forgiveness of her mother and brother when, as Octavian pointed out (and I have to admit I agreed with him), it's totally irrelevant? Ooh, those sound like fighting words to me.

Lucius Vorenus hits the campaign trail with Posca and Niobe. The trail, being just the Aventine, is not long, but it's a start. From what I could glean, Vorenus is in fact the human equivalent of that dang bread from a few episodes back: a true Roman magistrate for true Roman citizens. Let's hear it for the boy! I'm sorry to say, though, that the regal white gown washed him out almost as much as his smack habit when he was in Trainspotting.

Caesar's check-list for the triumph:

1. Vercingetorix or other defeated Gallic king to tart up for float
2. Ginormous banners to unfurl
3. Doves to release
4. Legions to suit up and march (NB: do not let Titus Pullo march, as he is now a civilian, and he needs somethig else to make him all disgruntled)
5. A toga that merely suggests purple (for the emperor that's just a little queen?)

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Octavia sits mute while a slave disguises her scars with makeup. Wait, I though it was homosexuality that was the love that dare not speak its name, not incest! Just keeding -- we all know it's really my friend Jezebel's love for Abe Vigoda!

Ahem.

As the triumph begins, Quintus Pompey turns up at Servilia's doorstep to, well, be a little nutsy, call Brutus out. Oooh, another guy for the away team. And by away team I mean those folks who have been betrayed, defeated, or fucked over by Caesar. Servilia takes him in, and so the plot, it does thicken some more.

Caesar gets a lovely new makeover from his nephew the pontiff -- who knew bull's blood could be so good for your complexion? Then a lovely little ride in a chariot while thousands of Roman citizens cheer. Taking his place on the dais with the rest of Team Caesar, he quiets the crowd, gives the signal, and Vercingetorix is choked to death on his wee float. And then they go back to their revelry. Or so I imagine. For a show that's rumored to have an insane budget, I would have expected some crowd scenes of gorgeous people wearing gorgeous clothes. But what do I get instead? The news reader voguing the particulars of Caesar's plans for the Republic. Bo-ring!

Post-triumph, Brutus is way p.o'd to see his name on "A Call to Virtue", an anti-Caesar pamphlet written, of course, by the old comedy writing team of his mother (who tells Brutus he failed the Republic), Quintus (who smirks almost as well as Mark Antony), and Cassius. Brutus doesn't seem to do an especially good job of convincing Caesar that he didn't write it, though Caesar assures him that he never doubted his friendship or his fidelity, "even when [they] were enemies." Whatevs, dude. Brutus is still gonna shank you like you were the special guest convict of the week on Oz.

Back to the poor folks for a second: Lucius Vorenus is surprised to hear that the other candidates are not legitimate and pose no threat to him. Well, duh. Pullo decides he's down in the dumps because he loves Eirene but can't marry her because she is a slave. So he borrows money from Vorenus, buys her freedom, and what does she do? She squeals to her slave boyfriend, who reveals that they had been saving to buy their freedom so that they could marry for real. So what does Pullo do? He takes the groom and bashes his head into a pillar, killing him on thespot.. How do you like that for a wedding present. Dude, you couldn't take him for a lap dance? Sheesh. Pullo is banished from the neighborhood, though not before he calls Vorenus on his Caesar-loving ass. Snap! Pullo slinks right into the arms (and pockets) of one Erastes. Uh oh, me no likey.

I wouldn't have been totally surprised if R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts" played as Vercingetorix's body is swept out with the trash, then kidnapped (by slaves, maybe?) and burned in a funeral pyre in the forest; Atia crawls into Octavia's bed to sleep with her (no, not like that), and Pullo makes a deal with Erastes that, to me, spells nothing but trouble. But if it wasn't for the trouble and the drama, would I continue to watch this show? Well, as long as the producers can promise me the occasional full frontal of Ray Stevenson or James Purefoy, then yes.

* Props to Fark for such an excellent title.

Image via HBO.com.