Caesarion (this week on Rome, or "I went to Egypt and all I got was this lousy baby.")

I'm gonna do a stream-of-consciousness thing for this week's recap of Rome because, well, I can, and I'm all about brevity.

Cleopatra: She's cute, but doesn't she remind you just a little bit of Ashley Simpson? I know I kept expecting her to burst into "Pieces of Me" between puffs of opium.

Ptolemy: We hardly got a chance to know you, but you were ever so entertaining, what with your tantrums and your wee feetsies dangling off the throne. A bit of advice, though: be careful about what wigs you wear in the afterlife, as that curly black one you sported throughout this episode had you looking like Little Lulu.

Servilia vs. Octavia: Not much on this front except some gorgeous scenes of them, ya know, doing it. I don't know that I really understand Servilia's powers of seduction, as it only seemed to take a couple of meaningful glances to get Octavia in her bed. On the other hand, Cleopatra had to offer herself and Egypt to Caesar to get her some action. Of course, the consequences of her not sleeping with Caesar were pretty dire: lose her throne, lose Egypt, and possibly lose her life.

Caesar: I'm a big fan of Ciaran Hinds (so swoon-worthy in Persuasion), so I'm worried that Caesar will meet his demise in the Senate before we even hit the halfway mark of the season. So it's nice to see Caesar living it up in Egypt and impregnating (or not) Cleopatra in his spare time.

Pullo & Vorenus: The Martin and Lewis of the ancient world. Though I don't know if I could ever imagine Dean Martin engaged in the act of coitus with as much vigor and athleticism as my man Pullo. And I know Vorenus was all hatin' on him for doing the deed with Cleopatra, but was it because he wishes he was in Pullo's place . . . or in Cleopatra's? I'm not trying to start anything, but it seems to me that all that soldiering business, and so far away from your wife, must be awfully lonely.

Mark Antony: I, for one, would love to see him cut off Cicero's hands and nail them to a wall. As long as he promises to do it while totally naked.

Cato & Scipio's army: What kind of army could these two possibly raise? I'm envisioning the Bad News Bears as led by Mel Brooks' Comicus in History of the World: Part 1. Too much?